How to deal when someone comes out to you

Think your friend or family member may come out to you? A few steps can make it easier for everyone involved.

Maybe you have supported gay rights for years, or maybe you are just coming to terms with the idea that one of your friends or relatives identifies as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender (LGBT). Either way, the process can be just as difficult for you as for the person who is coming out to you.

Only They Know

If a person has not come out to anyone, you don’t know if they are gay. There are lots of identities that they could feel, such as bisexual (having romantic, emotional, and sexual feelings toward both sexes).

Also, remember that there are straight people who don’t believe in gender roles. Your straight male friend might simply prefer to wear women’s clothes, or your straight female relative could choose not to act traditionally feminine when she cuts her hair short and refuses to wear makeup.

Don’t Force Them

Whether or not you know your friend or relative is gay, the person must come out on in their own way. Asking the person bluntly or insulting how “straight” they fail to be will not bring them any closer to telling you.

So what can you do? Show person that you support or tolerate LGBT people in general. Maybe talk about a gay-themed movie you saw or about your support for laws protecting transgender rights. Mention a gay family member you have, and don’t use demeaning words like “fag” or “dyke” or other anti-gay slurs.

They Might Not Tell You First

Just because they don’t tell you doesn’t mean they don’t trust or care about you. This person might still be struggling with accepting the identity to themselves, even if you already have. Often coming out involves how the person anticipates you will react, not how close the two of you are. And if you aren’t the first to know, continue to wait.

Don’t Out Them to Others

Don’t spread the news about your friend’s sexual orientation, even if they have told a few people (which may or may not include you). If they do tell you first, this person will be trusting you to let them reveal their identity to others. Rather than “outing” them behind their back, ask if it would help for you to be in the room when they come out to others.

If someone else outs your friend when they are not ready, show your acceptance and respect. Your support could make your friendship stronger.

What to Say When They Come Out

Rather than asking “how” or “why,” focus on how good it feels that they shared something personal with you (“Thanks for telling me. That must’ve been hard.”). Think about expressing your acceptance (“You’ll always be my brother” or “We’ll still hang out. This doesn’t make me less of a friend.”) and show that you are interested (“What was it like growing up?”).

If you feel uncomfortable or confused about this person’s identity, it’s okay to tell them. It took your friend time to tell come out to you, and you can say that it will take some time to get used to the idea as well.

Take Action

You don’t have to be gay to believe in gay rights. Straight supporters, known as “allies,” are a key part of the Gay-Straight Alliance clubs that are present in many schools across America. Try joining or establishing a GSA to help better understand and support your friend or relative. Once you are comfortable, you can begin educating others in your school about LGBT rights and tolerance.

Show support by refraining from using demeaning words and challenging your classmates to do the same.

Find out if your school includes sexual orientation in its anti-discrimination policy. If it doesn’t, ask the school board to add the protection during its next public meeting.

Ask the boss at your after-school job if the company prevents discrimination based on sexual orientation. If it doesn’t, organize an employee resource group to push for such a change.

Learn more about being an ally.

Sources & Resources:

• Human Rights Campaign