Action Tips: How to Deal When Someone Comes Out to You

Think your friend or family member may come out to you as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender (LGBT)? A few steps can make it easier for everyone involved.

Only They Know

If a person has not come out to anyone, you don’t know if they are gay. Consider that:

• Many sexual identities exist, such as bisexual (having romantic, emotional, and sexual feelings toward both sexes).
• Some straight people don’t believe in gender roles. Your straight male friend might simply prefer to wear women’s clothes, or your straight female relative could choose not to act traditionally feminine when she cuts her hair short and refuses to wear makeup.

Don’t Force Them

Each person must come out on in his or her own way. Asking the person bluntly or insulting him or her will not bring your friend any closer to telling you.

Show person that you support or tolerate the LGBT community.

• Talk about a gay-themed movie or TV show that you saw.
• Mention your support for laws protecting gay or transgender rights.
• Refer to a gay family member that you have.
• Don’t use anti-LGBT slurs.

They Might Not Tell You First

Just because they don’t tell you first doesn’t mean they don’t trust or care about you. Often times coming out involves how the person anticipates you will react, not how close the two of you are. If you aren’t the first to know, continue to wait.

Don’t Out Them to Others

Don’t spread the news about your friend’s sexual orientation, even if they have told a few people (which may or may not include you).

Rather than “outing” your friend behind his or her back, ask if it would help for you to be in the room when he or she comes out to others.

What to Say When They Come Out

• Don't ask “how” or “why."
• Focus on how glad you are that they shared this with you (“Thanks for telling me. That must’ve been hard.”).
• Express your support (“We’ll still hang out. This doesn’t make me less of a friend.”)

If you feel confused about this person’s identity, it’s okay to tell them. You can say that it will take some time to get used to.

Take Action

Straight supporters of LGBT people are known as “allies.” Some ways you can take action as an ally include:

• Stop using anti-LGBT words and challenge your classmates to do the same.
• Find out if your school includes sexual orientation in its anti-discrimination policy. If it doesn’t, change it.
• Ask your after-school job if the company prevents discrimination based on sexual orientation. If it doesn’t, write a letter to the head of the company asking him/her to change it.
• Start a Do Something Club that tackles LGBT discrimination and other issues in an inclusive environment.

Sources:

• Human Rights Campaign