running thin on the inside
what i live through every day:
my name is hannah, and i am a vitctim on abuse and neglect. my family (only my imediate family) does not like anything about me. this all started when i was 5. my mom hit me, and left bruises and scars and told me to tell my friends that i had fallen. i used to think that everyone was treated that way, i didn't know any better. but, when things started to get worse in about 2nd grade, i realized none of my friends had any cuts or bruises on their arms or legs. i began to question my life that had turned to nothing but a lie. to this day, i still question my existance. i am hit, pushed, pulled, punched, thrown, and lied to by my mother, father and sister.
i am the only one in my entire family that this has ever happened to. my sister is 'perfect' in my parent's eyes, and i have tried to live up to that name, but with every try, i fail. i am hit harder and harder until i can not sit. right now, as I'm typing, my back hurts. early last week, i was hit, pulled, punched, and pushed all because my father said i could stay on the computer until 11 PM. my mother grabbed me by the arm that i had messed up earlier this year by falling at school, and took my other hand, that i had fractured late last year, and pulled me around the office. when i could finally break away from her, i sat in the swivel chair, and my mother came up behind me and punched my back so hard i could barely breathe. it is still red, and hard to sleep on at night. both of my arms still feel as if they are being yanked out of their sockets, and made my injuries worse. and to top it all off, she pushed my chair into a printer that is on the floor, and hit my ankle. it was swollen, red, and black and blue for a couple hours. when i could finally break free of her strength and run, limping, to my father who was half asleep, i was yelled at, almost tripped by her, and pushed into a wall. i ran to the office, shut the door, and locked it. i stayed in there for about 2 hours. when i got up the courage to run to my room, i made the escape. until last week, i had never been so terrified in my life. i am truly scared for my life if i have to live in my house with my parents and sister.
i have not eaten dinner for a month, until tonight. i would not shut up about it, so she finally gave in. you may think 'why doesn't she eat what she has at home?' but i am not allowed to get food from the market that lasts for any length of time. i can honestly say that there is no food in the house that i can eat. and my parents are totally fine with it.
i am through with trying to be someone i am not, and the only way that they will stop is if i become a mirror image of them, which i refuse to do. i don't know what to do anymore, and i am running thin of fighting for my freedom. every time i try to talk or explain what they're making me feel like, i am frowned upon. i was also told that i need to be locked up in a mental hospital. they ask me whats wrong and i simply reply with a one-word answer, 'you.'
but the physical abuse is not whats killing me inside. what they say to me is. they all call me stuff that i don't dare to repeat, and i haven't heard and 'i love you' or and 'i do care' from any of them since i was 3 years old. i haven't ever, in my life heard an 'I'm sorry' or an 'i don't mean for you...' i am dying inside, and they don't want for me to talk to them about it.
