Dating Abuse Survivor to Rihanna: Get Out Now!

26-year-old dating abuse survivor Kristen Rambler knows what Rihanna is going through. After experiencing years of dating violence, she has straightforward advice for the singer and other victims of abuse: Get out.

Here’s Kristen's story, in her own words:

Watching the news lately and hearing the ongoing reports about Rihanna is hard for me. It reminds me of my life a few years ago, even the picture of Rihanna’s battered face. It’s hard to believe that 1 in 3 young women will experience some type of dating abuse. I’m happy that this topic has been put in the spotlight; because it is a serious issue, but I also hope that the world realizes that dating violence doesn’t just happen to celebrities, it happens every day to regular people.

I am one of those ‘regular people.’

I met Keith the first week of senior year of high school. I walked into my religion class and noticed him right away. He was tall, dark and handsome…every girls dream. After a few weeks of hanging out he asked me to be his girlfriend.

He was my first boyfriend and I fell hard. Things were going great and before I knew it we had been together for a month. That’s when things slowly started to shift. Keith started to make comments about my school uniform skirt being too short. The comments turned into name calling. He would no longer tell me my skirt was too short, he would say things like, “You look like a slut!” I didn’t understand why he was talking to me like that, but I knew that he loved me, and I figured he was just looking out for my best interest.

He then started to insist that I no longer have “girl’s nights out” because he felt that we all dressed like “sluts” and guys would just try to take advantage of us. I felt flattered that he was jealous; to me I thought it meant he really loved me.

A Turn to Violence

The controlling behavior took a turn when the school principal asked Keith if he could bring me to school early the following morning for a detention. He wasn’t happy about the request and blamed me for him having to get up early. I was attempting to open the car door when he floored the vehicle, throwing me to the ground. My hands and knees were cut up and my front tooth was knocked loose, but he just drove off.

My parents took me straight to the police station to file a police report, but when Keith apologized a few days later and asked me out, I forgave him and went.
After we graduated from high school, the violence really escalated. Keith got offered a job with the Census Bureau that would involve him traveling around to different cities. He insisted that I join him, so against my parents’ wishes I packed my bags and hit the road.

"It will never happen again."

One day we had a disagreement; Keith threw me onto the bed, punched my face, grabbed my hair and started to bang my head against the wall. He then grabbed a wine bottle and smashed it. He took the jagged edge and held it against my neck. I broke away, and ran to the elevator in the hotel we were staying in. He screamed at me and said he would kill me if I made a scene.

He then followed me to the lobby and apologized and begged me to forgive him and to go back to the room. I knew that wasn’t the Keith I fell in love with, so I did. When we got back to the hotel room he cried and promised it would never happen again. I believed him.

A few days later he blew up and accused me of cheating with one of his co-workers whom I barely knew. This time he punched me in the face and plugged an iron into the wall and held it up close to my cheek. I kicked him and knocked the iron out of his hands and ran down to the lobby to try and call my mom from a pay phone. He followed me and screamed at me to get off the phone. Someone called 911 and the police came. I was very upset, but I refused to press charges.

Making Excuses

I was making excuses for him. He had only done this because he thought I was cheating on him. I was so naïve, I thought the anger he felt from his jealousy was because he loved me so much. My mother spoke with his and we agreed that he would drive me home the following day.

Once we were both at college – different ones – the beatings on the weekends became more frequent and more intense. He’d hurt me in his dorm room, my dorm room, the car. He’d hit me with a water bottle, coke can. He’d choke me or put a pillow over my head and push down. One Valentine’s Day he beat me because he was angry that I brought him a rose and he hadn’t gotten me anything.

That time was really bad – the beating went on and on until I could barely move. I was screaming for help but nobody heard me. Finally, he called his mom to tell her “I think I really hurt her this time.” I thought it was the perfect time to run for the door and escape, but when I tried he threw the phone at my head. I eventually made it out of the room, found someone and called 911. He spent that night in jail, and as bad as it was… I was still not ready to have him out of my life.

Sometimes after a weekend with him , I would look so bad that I couldn’t go back to my university. I’d have to hide out in his room for days, sneaking down to the girl’s bathroom late at night. I’d stand there in front of the mirror looking at myself and cry. I couldn’t believe that the bruises and cuts on my face came from the man I loved. I would say to myself “What am I doing? Keith did this to me,” I would say it over and over.

False Hope

I didn’t know what to do because despite everything I felt like he was my best friend and true love. My family and friends all wanted me to break up with him, so I couldn’t turn to them for help. I knew they would just lecture me. I stayed because I was full of hope. I honestly believed that when he said he would change and never do it again, he would.

Finally, after two years, my parents managed to convince me to come on a family trip. For the first time, I was really away from him and unable to call or email him. My parents made sure that I had no contact with him while we were on vacation.

Getting Out

I loved him, but I decided I wanted him to get professional help and I wouldn’t see him in the meantime. So when I got home from vacation, I called Keith and explained to him just that. He called me for hours on end, and I wouldn’t pick up.

I was at my mother’s house alone when Keith walked in the back door. He pulled a gun out of one pocket and bullets out of the other. When he started to load the gun I ran outside. Keith chased me with the gun until he finally caught up with me. He put the gun to my head and as I pleaded “Please don’t do it,” he turned the gun on himself and ended his life.

Not all abusive relationships have such a horrific ending. In fact, if you end an abusive relationship, it’s the best decision anyone could make, although, it may be the hardest.

It’s been reported that Rihanna is thinking of staying with Chris Brown. I’m sure a lot of people can’t possibly understand, but I do. Throughout the two years I was with Keith, I tried to focus on the good in him and in the relationship. I would put the screaming, hurtful comments and abuse in the back of my mind.

I knew I didn’t fall in love with a mean person, and he certainly wasn’t like that all of the time. It was easy to forget and focus on the good in him. He made it easy to do because after a beating he would hold me and express his love. I was full of hope that things would change.

I was wrong -- that kind of behavior will not just stop one day. My advice for those in an abusive relationship? It's simple. Get out! Nobody deserves to be hurt by those they love.

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