Kevin Powell: It's time to step up
Temper caught on tape
Make no mistake about it, Kevin Powell, the New York based writer and activist, is a “dude’s dude.” Growing up immersed in the worlds of sports and hip-hop, you couldn’t get much more “hyper-masculine.” Add pop culture, “shows like Flavor of Love and Girls Gone Wild,” to the mix and “you really believe you can do anything to a woman.”
For Kevin, “The biggest challenge as a man who grew up on sports, and that bravado; you have to turn upside down all the definitions of manhood that you’ve bought into. We as men have to look as ourselves from a different angle.”
Easy for him to say? Not quite. Kevin once had to look at himself from the angle of shame and hurt. As a 25-year-old, his anger was taped for the world to see by MTV’s cameras. Off camera, Kevin knew that he was abusive to women and got counseling.
The bottom line: Silence is participation
Kevin works with men, former abusers and non-abusers alike, across the country. He recognizes that a small margin of dating abuse victims are men, but adds that the staggering reality is 84-86% are women. But, he's not letting men off the hood just because abuse disproportionately affects women. Kevin says that they’re key players in ending the national epidemic of abuse. “Males are more likely to listen to males. We need men to step up. We need boys to step up. That’s the bottom line.”
Of course it’s important for young men to treat their partners with respect, but stopping at that is too little according to Kevin, who tells boys they need to assert themselves as “consistent allies to women and girls... Even if a boy has never done these things when they say nothing about it their silence becomes agreement and participation.”
Kevin has dedicated his life to educating young people and men about how to end abuse and sexism in society. For him, it all starts with our attitudes towards women and girls. “When you talk about orgs like Do Something.org, doing something also means to become as aware as possible about the issue,” which is why he makes his living on the lecture circuit, delivering at least 150 speeches a year at foster care agencies, prisons, schools, and religious institutions. And do something he does – aside from his work as an anti-abuse activist, Kevin was one of the founding members of Vibe magazine, an influential member of the hip hop community, and a local politician in Brooklyn. And yes, he’s that Kevin Powell – one of the original “seven strangers picked to live in a house” and the first African-American roommate on MTV’s first season of The Real World.
Male backlash
Since his appearance on Oprah last week, Kevin’s inboxes have been flooded with feedback from men. “I’ve gotten tons of emails and facebook messages saying ‘It’s not fair, how could you say this, what about the woman’s part in it, and on and on’”
So what advice does the self-proclaimed man’s man have for other men? “Even if a female is somehow aggressive towards a male, that doesn’t give a man the right to ever put his hands on a woman. A guy has got to think about what kind of relationship he wants to have. One that is combative and toxic? Or one that is rooted in real life, where we relate to each other in non-violence and peace?”
And that’s one of the cultural changes Kevin hopes to make with his work, challenging men to get real about their views and treatment of women.
Hip-Hop and Dating Abuse: Calling out the cowards
It’s months-old news but the Rihanna-Chris Brown incident is still landing on the front page. The country dwells on its unfolding, but no one dwells on the silence from most of Hollywood... Not a word from a prominent movie or hip-hop celeb. Unlike other key members of the rap community, Kevin has been taking a stand for years and continues to do so, no matter how many people he may make uncomfortable.
“I think of us males as cowards. Unfortunately not enough men want to step up. People are afraid. Usher made a comment, and then he backed away from it. P.Diddy housing them at his property, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
So what should have been done? “A group of men in the industry should have pulled Chris Brown aside and said some very basic things: You’ve got to own up to this. You have to become accountable.”
Kevin practices what he preaches; a year after he lashed out with his own abusive tendencies, he owned up and wrote the piece “The Sexist in Me,” which over 10 million women read in Essence magazine. A bold (and rare) move, but for Kevin it was a must. “I had no choice. I had to be honest.”
Love goes out the window
In terms of choices, Kevin believes that women and girls should absolutely hold men accountable for abuse. He criticizes those in the hip-hop community who believe that Rihanna should not have cooperated with the LAPD to sort out the issue. “With Rihanna, what is a woman supposed to do when she’s battered like that?”
And what was his own partner supposed to do? Citing his own experience, Kevin says, “The woman that I pushed into the bathroom door had every right to call the police. Every right. She should have. At that point, love goes out the window. You just assaulted me, you just pushed me into a bathroom door. She had every right.”
Not nearly enough women exercise this right, and whether it’s a shove or a punch, 80% of them stay with their abusers, and often the abuse goes unreported.
Not all abusive men have to become anti-gender violence activists like Kevin, but if you or someone you know is being abusive, Kevin has seven simple ways to put an end to the abuse, starting with owning up to it and getting help that goes beyond just therapy. Check out his other simple steps in his Ending Violence Against Women and Girls piece.
Dating abuse continues to rip apart all communities, whether it’s in the hip-hop world or in your school. To the young men and boys abusing or simply standing by, Kevin has one question for you: Will you step up?
For more, check out some of Kevin's favorite dating abuse orgs:
And head to Kevin's website to hear what he has to say about hip-hop, sexism, violence against women, and more.
